Teen Voice #2
Sana shares her story in an attempt to heal, in an attempt to tell others like her that they are not alone and in an attempt to raise awareness on issues usually swept under the carpet.
“Last March, I tried to kill myself. I was exhausted and desperate, searching for an escape from the gray plains of my depression. At the time, swallowing pills seemed like the only way to muffle the voices that reverberated within my head — the ones that whispered about how worthless I was. The doctors told me I was lucky to be alive.
It is easy to give into that hopeful narrative; to hide underneath a candy-coated veneer of happiness; to nod and smile and agree that yes — I am doing so much better, thank you for asking.
“I’m not lying,” I tell my dad over Skype. “I’m all right, I promise.”
“I’m fine, Mom,” I insist, whenever she calls. “More than fine, actually. I’ve been doing great.”
In truth, I still cling to depression like the threadbare baby blanket I drooled over when I was four. Every now and then, I even find enjoyment in the modicum of companionship that it provides. Depression dulls the sharp edges of my world — soothes my frayed, tattered nerves in the instances when I forget how to simply be. I may be better, but I am not fine — and I am certainly not great. As much as I want to conclude this narrative on a note of cautious optimism, recovery is not a linear progression. My obstacles are not easy to overcome; I am not a fictional character who emerges on the other side as a stronger, wiser version of herself.
I’m not all right. I am, however, learning to accept the complexities of my illness by navigating its rough-hewn landscape. I am learning that what is familiar is not always healthy, though it does provide a fragment of comfort. I am learning that my ability to endure does not make me brave — just tired.
I am learning that I’m not okay — not yet, maybe not ever. I am learning that all sad stories do not have happy endings. And I am learning how to live with that.”
(We would like to reiterate that our stories are shared to raise awareness about the issues faced by our children and youth, and to create a shared solution bank/ support system. If you would like to share your story, collaborate or reach out to us, send us a message or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com.)